Pulling Back From What I Shouldn't

Tonight was a rather unsuccessful night. With my friend and her boyfriend all over each other and another friend of ours just bored shitless I decided on checking out a gay bar I had never been to, 616. Now my main reason for going here was because I wanted to check it out. Ive always been interested in any kind of man because I don't discriminate against age or appearance. And this bar was full of gorgeous older men and other men. My friends told me that they all felt like we were the youngest here...which it looked that way. But what keeps me from persueing anything is this utterly, helluva thing I have called being shy. I don't know if I have a fear of rejection since most of my life I have felt rejected whether it was at school or at home. I don't know if I have something psychologically wrong with me or what not but its like extremely hard for me to go up to a guy and say hi. But, when a guy comes up to me and strikes up a conversation I studder and after a time if he stays theirs a conversation. Because im only shy at first and afterward, im like a motor mouth with humor bits. The bar itself was super small but a nice atmosphere I just felt really bored after awhile. What kind of shocked me was that they had porn on the TV's outside on the patio. I have never been to a club that actually shows gay porn (not softcore but hardcore). I thought it abit tacky in this kind of scene. But whatever, some things you just gotta take in stride.

To those who commented in my last post thank you for your kind words. I may not know you but your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I have my ups and downs like everyone else. I just get seriously lonely. No one even talks to me at school which is another kick in the balls but whatever. Life for me at this moment is complicated and sluggish. And being shy doesn't help either.

Pulling back from what I shouldn't is not a way to live.