Teeter Totter Teeter Totter

I GOT THE MONEY FOR MY GED TEST WHOOHOO! I am so excited you just have no idea. My teacher told me today and I about flipped out. I really love this teacher alot and call her my lil buddy, she likes it. Funny thing though is that I came out to her. She was surprised because she didn't even know (how weird). Then I find out she is a miniter so first thing in my mind pops up like," Oh shit. Now shes going to preach to me and be all judgemental and condemn me." But you know what, she didn't. Well she did preach a little bit but it was about 95 percent positive, the other 5 percent I just wont talk about unless you guys want me to. Basically she accepted me with open arms and said she loves me and so does god. I felt all warm and tingly and almost lost my fearie dust hehe. Nice to know when someone says they love you for you and not love half of you...like my mother and father.

By the way my mother is still on this big crusade to save my soul...from what I don't know. Hell, god doesnt say in the bible where I can stick my dick (oops, there a lil bit of poopage). In anycase I just still remember what she said to me when Michael (my ex fiance who was murdered) died. She told me, verbatim," I am glad hes dead. God took him away from you because it was never meant to be. You are never meant to be with a man and god will continue to take them away from you until you learn." This was my own mother, the women who spent hours pushing me out her hoohah, telling me that she was happy he was dead. I called her a cold harded bitch and told her to go to hell. I was this close to leaving them all and go live out on the street. And this was all after me getting out of Rehab because I had a meltdown. Thanks mom for making me want to disown you. Even after the fact that she will never love that side of me thats gay. Half love itsnt love at all. Its picking and choosing which parts you like and rolling your eyes at the rest. Oh and I have told my parents I am gay. I never told my brother but I am guessing he already knows since he now lives at home and hear me and my mother bicker on the topic of me being gay or how she calls it," My phase because I am not letting god into my heart." Sigh...

Sometimes I feel like leaving home and live on the streets. Im am so waiting to go to college so I dont see my family. Im hurting inside so much I try to hide it with a smile. I haven't even told anyone this but my doctor told me flat out that I should not work because I have to get better. So now I apply for social security and they deny me, even when my doctor said I shouldn't work. So now I got a lawyer whos gonna do what they can so I can make money one way or another. In anycase I just want to get a lawyer and get out of this mess. Because if god willing, I need to get the hell away from my family. Ugh...

So in about 20 mins I brought my happyness down to a low, good going Angel. And I really hate hiding how I feel on the outside. I don't know. Maybe I will run away but will that be becoming a coward and running away from my fears. I don't know but right now I just feel like getting away from this hellhole will help me. I don't know.

I hope I get through my day. I took some pictures of me n my new outfit and I will try to post them soon. Ive just been so busy last week and exhausted I just havent had the time. But in anycase to my situation I will have to try and find a way to deal with the situation.

Later Cadets