If these walls could talk.

Strange that I am writing this and it is Tuesday. Sorry for the late update but I want to really get something off my chest I believe needs to be cleared off my chest. Today I am going to talk about this little fucked up thing called Depression. I must warn you that these are my opinions so if you dont like what I am about to say then kiss my ass.

I have suffered with depression ever since I was 12 years old. No I am not a manic depressive, bi polar, or any of those other forms of depression. Basically most of the time I am in a down mood with the occasional mood swings and insomnia. Oh and a twist of anxiety to back that up. Its strange that I have had all of this since I came into puberty and still have it even today.

Now people these days when they think depression they think the person is a psycho and they should have nothing to do with them. Which in term makes the person feel like a psycho which leads them to cutting themselves from society and a normal life. Or as normal as life can get because I am sorry to say this people, normality just doesn't exist.

Now the reason why I am being open n honest about this is because I feel that since I am now going on 22 and I am still suffering this this fucked up thing that I should voice my opinion. Depression people is an illness and should definitely be considered a disability of some kind. Kind of like how studdering is also considered a disability which I personally is not at all true.

Trying to cope with my mood swings (none of them are negative thank god) and down times (as I call my episodes) is a bitch. Recently I have not been able to be on my meds for like 2 weeks because I have not had the money to go to walmart and buy my meds. When you are relatively broke, jobless, and striving to live your life day by day, you can understand my obstacles I have to face everyday.

Its really fucking sucks that something that this had to happen to me. I believe if I didn't have what I have that I would have done more with my life. I should have push myself harder in life but when you are young, you don't really think of such things. My family on the other hand treats my illness as if I should pop a pill and everything will get better in time. I feel they have been treating me this way for years.

Being without medication for 2 weeks by the way is hell on anyone who suffers with depression. To put it simply, I wake up some mornings just wanting to just stay n bed and leave my room let alone my house. And I hate this feeling so much because I believe I have soo much talent and potential inside of me that I feel that my life feels like nothing but many roadblocks getting in my way. I want to do so much with my life and I know I can do it. But when your struggling just to participate day to day in the world, life can be a bitch.

Another thing that has been lingering over my head is telling a possible significant other about what I have. I feel if I tell anyone about my problems they will shun me aside or think im some psycho. I had one guy tell me once he didn't date "crazy" people. That just made me feel all warm and cozy inside knowing that what I have is concidered by some people to be crazy. Whatever it may be I atleast know what I have and I am not ashamed to talk about it. I just hope I can open up to the next guy who comes into my life and I fall in love with. Because the weight of my secret is always on the back of my mind.

It amazes me that I have pushed myself so hard to go out and find a job that it has led to nothing but endless interviews (mcdonalds doesnt even want me, how fucked up is that!). My only last option has to be college, or so my parents keep on telling me. I want to go to college so bad because I believe it will be a great stepping stone to what I want to do in my future. Plus, college can provide me with an outlet that I so desperately need.

You can say I have an old soul or tortured soul like most singers, writers, and such who can make words into poetry and move the world. My writing has been struggling also recently because I feel what I have been working on for years has lead me to just hating everything about it. My novel that I want to finish already is no where near complete, atleast to me. It sucks when you fall in love with something and then your love for what your writing dissapears and you have to keep moving forward because you have written soo much already. You can say I have lost my passion for my novel. Maybe I should just kick myself in the ass and do a rewrite but it is alot harder then you think.

I am not a professional writer what so ever. I know how to write a story from what I have learned in school but the work I have done so far leads me to think if I am really good at all. Ive showed my work to a couple of people and have had good reviews. Maybe its my confidence in myself that is lacking. I dont really know. All I know is that when I write I can dissappear from the real world and go into another for a short while.

I may be the way I am but atleast I accept who I am and love myself regardless. Im cuddly as a bear with a heart of gold and lots of wisdom to share. Im a lover and a fighter regardless of how people see me. Never casting judgment on others and spreading peace wherever I go. Its amazing someone has peaceful and kind as myself can go through this.

Suffering with what I have is a bitch. But life always has a twist. I hope everyone enjoyed your weekend. I am going to go crash right now and hope tomarrow I feel lots better then this morning. God, I felt like a zombie. Later bloggers ^_^