A Little Bubbly Goes A Long Way

Just a quick post. I don't really do resloutions because I find them to be irrelavent seeing as I never stick by them. The only thing I believe I will do differerntly this year is trying to lose weight and get my damn GED. Thats about it. Enjoy the new year people.

Have A Super Gay New Year!

2 AM

Wow... last night was huge.

Ok well, it started off with me laying down *nude* watching a movie or trying to watch a movie because I was sleepy as hell and not falling asleep. When... someone knocked on my door. Come to find out, the person behind the door was my mother. Ok let me explain something here. My mother and I have a good relationship, both of my parents. But in the rare occasions (which is like once every two years) she actually comes to my room to have a talk. Last night for me, was an eye opener.

Since coming out to my parents my mother seems to be the one who is most affected. So when she came into my room it surprised me when she told me that she was thinking about moving the family back to new york. I was speechless because I had plans in the future moving there once I got my life in order but I never thought it would be so soon. She explained that once we got our financial situation in order that she was thinking about moving there. She was also thinking about selling the house and moving into an old folks community. I asked her about why she wanted to move back to new york since she moved us from there when I was young. She was missing her sisters who live in New York and she wanted us to be around Family (all of my dad's family lives up there). She feels like I am lonely here (which is true). So all I could do to tell her was that moving to new york was a great idea but something we would have to do when our present financial situation is cleared. About her selling the house and moving to an old folks community, I told her whatever she thinks plausible I will agree on.

And then we started talking about my fiance who passed away a few days before my 19th birthday. She wanted to know how I met him and what not, just details here and there. Then she started spewing about the religion and bible crap which I just ignored (ive become really good at that). And then she started asking me about why I decided on becoming gay. I had to explain to her that being gay is not a decision, its how we are born. The only decision we have is being true to ourselves and living life happy or not and living a life of loneliness. She still thinks its a choice but I told her I understand what shes saying. She and my dad are not too hot about having a gay son but atleast, I still live at home and they still love me. I can say that I am lucky. Will I ever tell my brother I am gay, no. I believe the relationship between me and my brother is such a medieum as it is that my personal life is none of his business. Hopefully in the future my parents will feel better about my being gay... only time can tell. In the end I actually don't really care because after last night, my flame burns brighter then ever.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Im waiting for santa, its almost 12. He'll be surprised that this year, hes the one getting the present. ;)



Merry Christmas Everyone! Don't drink too much of that eggnog!

Finding The Medium

Hey bloggers,

Excuse me if I don't exactly post alot today but I have just not been in the mood for anything. I don't know if its my depression or whatever I just don't know. I don't know if I told anyone but I have been diagonosed with depression ever since I was about 13. Some people don't really see it until I tell them I have it. People have told me that I seem very cheerful but that I guess is their opinion. I mean I am not depressed everyday its just that there are days that I just feel I cannot get by them quick enough. So I find what I call a medium on those days.

I may or may not have spoken about this but this is the 3rd year I lost my fiance and I still talk about it because it makes me feel better about it. I truthfully believe we as a people, never get over those we have lost. Especially, if they were ones we loved. I may say to people I am over the situation but truthfully I still mourn my ex fiance till this day, just not as bad as I use to. I find that we truely never get over the ones we love, we just continue to live our lives remembering what was and be thankful that life brought you two together.

Anywho, wow I thought this was going to be a sort post but I guess my mind is allowing me to type today. School is on hold for the meantime (winter break). I am at a big crossroads as to what the hell I want to do with my life. After I acheive my GED I want to go to college, but for what? For money, for love, or for an interest. My love would have to be writing and singing. While my interest would be a library (im there a hulluva lot). And for the money would have to be going to school to become a radiology tech. Which path am I suppose to choose?! I have no clue as to what I want to do. I want to follow my dreams and passions but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. I don't want to give up at this at all. So maybe I should just take a few classes at the local community college until I make my mind up. Because giving up is not what I do. Its like going cold turkey on life, and thats just not acceptable.

Well moving on, I am still alone as alone can be. Atleast I have people I can speak to like my friend (ryan). I haven't spoken to my friend since thursday last week. The girl ditched me for her boyfriend about 3 times, wtf is that! I don't know what to think about this girl. We've been friends for about 4 years and it seems that she is always doing something to either piss me off or feel im not worth her time. Especially when shes in a relationship. I just dont like being brushed off and brought back in after shes been dumped or has left the person. Truthfully I feel like a third wheel and not a friend. But shes literally the only person outside of my house I talk to. I don't really know anyone else. I guess when I go to college I will meet people, who knows.

Only time will tell,

Angel

Another Year Without The "L" Word

No I don't mean the television show about lesbians and their lives. I am actually talking about the one thing in life that everyone needs, even myself... love. Its been 3 years since my fiance has passed and since then, I still feel alone. I have had dates here and there but it seems the only thing people want from me is sex. Why in the hell does it take so long to find someone who will atleast be there for me, without the sex. I mean it just seems that every guy I meet theres sex in his eyes. I don't know if its because they find me attractive only for sex or is it because thats all they think I am good for. Sometimes I just feel left out of the mix.

Truthfully when it comes to finding someone I always keep an open mind. Im not about making lists or any of that bull because you can find the most amazing people in the most least of places. I just wish my life was alittle bit more of an adventure instead of standing in the waiting line for mr.next. I mean I know I am awesome in more ways then I can count but it just seems that trying to find a guy is turning out to be a headache. I just hope that someone comes along to swoop me off my feets and woo me, yes I said woo me. But I will just have to wait in the big long ass dating line hoping my number gets called.

Being alone is a bitch.