Heavy Rotation

O M G! I have been busy off my ass! God I've never had this much attention in awhile, and yes it feels good. No, I am not ashame for some good attention. It helps when your only haven is a box where you can't really be yourself. Thank you for your comments peeps, I really appreciate it. Been missing my lovely friend ryan... I wish you would call me back so we can chat over the phone but I guess not...sigh. Also thanks mr field, your comments on my writing always prove to a big ego booster...even though I don't have one lol.

I dont even know where to start so I am just going to try to say what I need to say. Last week I went to one of the biggest gay clubs in jax. Let me just say this place was PACKED! Like serious, I felt like everyone was staring at me I was freakin paranoid. Anyway I met the same guy I met at the latino club (mr puerto rico). I didn't even know he was going to be there so I just was shocked. As usual, he is sexy as shit. And by the way (mama), I might just take you up on that idea of going to his salon. Ok back on topic, I saw like 2 drag shows. Once they were done I spoke to one of the drag queens whom (I LOVE) because shes just such an awesome person. Almost got pulled out by my dick by my friend because she wanted to leave and I was having a conversation.

OK, next would be what has been going on this week. Monday I went out with my best friend and visited like two stores. I SOO WISH I HAD A JOB, UGH! There were like 2 shirts I just LOVED but I couldn't afford them. And hell yes, I do need new clothing. Maybe down the road something will happen. We were originally suppose to go to the new ed hardy store out by 5 points (i love that neighborhood). But she said they close around 4 so I just pouted and went on my merry way.

Tuesday I went out with my brother. More like he gave me a ride since I fucking hate his guts but whatever. We went to see the beautiful sheman, her on n off girlfriend, and shemans sister. So anyway we go there to just see a movie or two. Then my brother bought PIZZA! Ah! If anyone knows me I LOVE PIZZA! Its like the most delicious, most yummy, most omg organism in your mouth food in the world...to me that is. Yes I am a southern new yorker that loves his pizza. Buy me pizza anyday and I will be your friend lol.

Anywho today I got dressed and everything because my brother told me we were going out to the lesbian bar. Let me just note I never thought I would like a lesbian bar but OMG its soo much fun. The lezzies just love me. Its maybe because im such a big teddy bear, I don't know. So I am dressed and ready and it is like 9:40 ish and I get a call from my best friend. She wanted to know if I was still going to the bar and of course I said yes. She then tells me to call Mexi-Melt if he still wants to go and he says yes. I call my brother to see if he is still going because he is suppose to pick me up and guess what, he bails and says that he is coming home to go to sleep... FUCK! Then he tells me that she-man, on n off, and she-mans sister are not going either. So pretty much my evening would have turned out shitty. Thank god I had a backup plan with my best friend. See, its always good to have a backup plan when you REALLY WANT TO GO OUT!

So we get there and I am hugging and talking to people I have only met once. Just a bunch of lezzies who like me heh. Its always great to feel loved even though it may or may not be real. But for someone like me who rarely gets attention, its a great feeling. Then I saw she-man and my happy meter rose because I love her, on n off, and she-mans sister. They are such honest to god good people that I am honored to be called their friend. I gave her a hug, introduced her to my friends and then I ran toward the dance floor, literally leaving my friends standing there clueless. Its the electric slide come one! Yes I like to dance... do I dance well I don't think so but atleast I try and I know I stay with the beat.

I came back after the song and saw them still standing there -_-. So I had to literally walk them over and place them at a table because they were being pussies. They order food, which I didn't know you could and we sat there and talked. Next thing I know is they are done, I am munching on fries when she-man comes out of no where. I put a fry in her mouth and we start talking. We begin speaking about some stuff when she starts spewing about my brother. Now I don't like gossip but when your life is as boring as mine its fun to hear it. She starts to tell me that my brother had like a crush on her when they were in school together and she thinks he still does. I flat out tell her that he doesn't understand the concept of shes a lesbian. We both agreed on that, especially the part where we both think that he believes he can convert her. Now I know for a damn fact that if someone is a lesbian their a lesbian. And for the mere fact that this girl can pass for a guy on all areas goes to show that theres no such thing as a convert. There is a such thing as bisexualism but I wont go there.

Truthfully I think my brother is bi and the reason why he is attracted to she-man is that she has the best of both worlds. A manly personality with girly features except for she can grow facial hair. Then she beings to tell me she suspects that my brother and her sister are together. I flat out looked shocked even though I know about this. So thank god to my acting experience I was able to make her believe I didn't know. Because first and formost I could care less if my brother got caught. Hes an idiot and will always be one. She then says that if she catches him she is going to kick her sister and my brothers ass. I flat out told her that if it comes to that I want to be there so I can record it and watch it later with some popcorn. She laughed about that but it was true, seeing my brother get his ass kicked by a butchy lesbian, priceless.

Anywho I sing one song and alot of people applaude *yay*. Then on n off comes in and my happy meter goes up more. I introduce her, hug here, and pretty almost did a happy dance lol. Then about 20 mintues later guess who walks into the bar...my brother and she-mans sister. My happy meter dissapears when I see him but when I see here it shoots back up. I hate being in a very gay environment with my brother because I end up feeling like I should not talk to any of the hot guys in the bar, which there were 3 tonight heh. Because if I know him, he would just start a fight with the guy and I would be banned from the bar and I am not having that. So I just play it safe because I don't want him ruining it.

More dancing and then I meet she-mans sisters ex, biker boy. This dud was tall and sexy in a skinny emo way. I would have loved to ride him and his bike but of course I find out hes straight...sigh. Anyway my brother is pissed because she-mans sister is like giving biker boy alot of attention so I have to remind my brother that they are not together so she can do what the fuck she wants. And of course, he doesn't like hearing the truth.

Ok onto other things my so called boyfriend tells me he is going to most likely be moving to jacksonville in two months or so. I am happy because I get to meet the man in person. I am also happy because I have the opportunity to move the fuck out of my parents house. Whats funny about this is that I would only be moving down the street from my parents lol. But I figure its safer that way. I know some of you guys will be telling me to be caucious but I know I can handle myself and yes I will be caucious. OH and by the way his neighbor is not pressing charges so he is off the hook ^-^. Then I flat out told him to not get into any more fights or anything which he said he wont so I will take his word. His roommmate hasn't move out yet... Which I am abit peeved but whatever. Oh and I also talked about how he has to stop letting people walk over him. I know that if we ever got together I would never let that happen cause I am a strict mofo who don't take shit.

good god I have written alot AGAIN! Well I guess I am going to cut it here. SEE, this is what happens when I don't write on my blog every day. later peeping toms!


Painting by: Julie Paschkis

Steady Paces

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who reply to my posts. Most of the time I feel rather lonely and wish I could talk to someone. Plus, not having the financial sway to do things is a real downer. But I guess I get by ok. Also I am sooo sooo happy ryan is getting better. HANG IN THERE LUV! I feel so worried about him all the time, hes like the only guy whos my own age that I feel this strongly about. Hes my friend and my brother (from another mother). I know he will get back on his feet and I am also happy he is eating ^_^.

I know its been awhile since I have posted but I do have lots to tell so here we go. I finished my GED test last week"ish" (on the 9th) and I am really confident that I passed. If I didn't i'd probably scream and do it again. But in anycase I know I passed it. I am still talking to B. Hes still having alot of stress and drama issues down where he lives. I talked to him yesterday and he told me that he got into a fight with his roommate. His roommate punched him in the face and he threw his roommate across the room into a wall. Now I am furious at this because his asshole roommmate (who is leaving in 2 days thank god) hit him and then when B threw him, he said he was going to call the cops.

Now if I was in this situation I would have called the cops and kicked his ass out as soon as he hit me but thats just me. But I think B is abit gullible to the situation. I am confused at this and it urks me that a man who is 33 wont stand up and take charge of the situation. All I know is that if I were there, that boy would have had his ass kicked and I would have probably been in jail. I may be able to take some shit from people but if you put your hands on me, its on. I just hope that B decides to move to Jacksonville. Away from the drama and start fresh in his life.

I can hear my mom saying that I shouldn't move in with him yet which I do kinda sort of agree on. But sometimes when you like someone alot you either take the plunge or wait. I am still going to wait because I am still abit iffy as to if he is going to move up here. If he does I will go from there but for right now I am just enjoying the ride. I just wish he would get away from that chaos and find some bliss here with me.

Saturday (2 days ago) my best friend picked me up because she had heard about this new club that had opened up and she wanted to check it out. We went and picked up her friend whom I will call Mexi-melt because hes a fine ass mexican. A good thing I would like to point out about Mexi-melt is that he is Bisexual. I know some of you are thinking theres no such thing but his excuse is that he likes to have sex with guys but he likes to date girls. Which is understandable I guess but the first time I met Mexi-melt years ago, I thought he was the queen of nelly bottoms everywhere. But as I have got to know him, see his mannerisms, and hear him talk I still think hes gay, he just doesn't see it yet. But I must confess that I am very much attracted to him. But my attraction to him is more skin deep then external. He just is a really great guy. I just know in the back of my mind that he doesn't see me that way.

Anywho we pass this club soo many times its not funny. So since we couldn't find it we went to our regular beach club hangout. We stayed there for alittle bit and watched the drag show. Then Mexi-melt got a call from his friend. We left because we found the location and away we went. We got there around maybe 11:30 and come to find out, its a gay latino bar/club. Got out of the car and made our way to the entrance and met up with Mexi-melts friend. I think my jaw about fell to the ground.

This boy was exactly my height. Chiseled jaw with a face so sexy you just wanted to lick it. I knew he was wearing contacts cause his eye color was blueish. His lips were puckered and not too full, just right. He had one of those beards that aligned his jaw perfectly, giving him the appearance of a perfect jawline. And ontop of that HES PUERTO RICAN! If I was a drama queen I would have fainted. So I spoke to him alittle bit and come to find out he owns his own hair-salon, he speaks Spanish, and hes 30. When he said he was 30 I was shocked, and I even gave him a look because he looks like hes 18 maybe 19! I am not shitting you he just exudes this young appearence and it is a BIG BIG turn on for me. Older guy who looks and acts younger but is mature, DING DING DING! Anywho he left before I could talk more with him. I hope I didn't run him off.

Also I wanted your views on a situation. This girl that my brother likes has a problem. I am going to start with the positive and work my way to the negative. So this girl is really really nice. I mean so nice it can probably make you sick. Shes got an awesome personality and shes the kind of breeder you end up marrying because shes perfect. Except for one little thing, she has herpes. Now I personally couldn't care less about this because (i know this is going to sound evil) I could care less if my brother died tomarrow but hes such a brain fart you have to explain it to him. But I just feel I need to caution him with what she has. The girl says that she got rapped but she doesn't act like a rape victim, I should know I was raped at 12. In anycase the girls sister one time called her a whore which expects me to think that this girl didn't get raped but instead was sleeping around unprotected. In anycase it sucks that bad things always happen to good people.

Oh and by the way (don't know if I said this already) i finished my GEDtest. I feel really good about and cant wait to receive my diploma! next on the list is college!

Ok thats about it. Enjoy your week or weekend and I will try to post more soon.

Au Revior!

Finding love while understanding a dumbass thats prone to accidents.

Hey guys, sorry I havent updated my blog in a week or two ive just been busy. I am over my cold *THANK GOD!* and I am feeling great again. I am very glad that ryan is alive, I was prayin up a storm...

Ok lets start with this posts title and make my way down.

Love, its one of the things that kind of makes your life complete, atleast in the beginning thralls of it. I believe I may have my first boyfriend in three years. His name is B. Hes cute, tall, and has a great personality. We've been speaking on and off for about three months. We've been talking on the phone for awhile when one day he pulls out those three little words, "I LOVE YOU". I was shocked because I am also slowly falling in love with him. So I told him I loved him to, which is true but then again its not. Im kind of between like I love him as a boyfriend but not as a partner. I just dont feel at this moment unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. I just love him, is that good enough? Then he goes and tells me he wants me to move in with him. 0_0 I told him I would love to move in with him but as long as I get to know him first in person. See I met him through an internet site. I have heard his voice, seen his pictures, seen his pictures with other friends (friends that have their own accounts). Hes beautiful on the outside but sort of guarded on the inside. So as far as me moving in with him I don't know. I would rather have him move here because of all the drama that is going on where he lives. Still I think I should meet him first at a public place to feel him out in person. But I don't know if hes the one. I will just have to see.

Ok next with the dumbass, my brother. Yesterday me and my brother went to his friends house (2 dykes and a sister). These two girls (were) lovers but now they are just having some problems. One of the lezzies is my brothers friend whom he use to go to school with. Now I was shocked when I met the girl cause she LOOKS LIKE A MAN! I mean she had facial hair and the face of a man with the voice of a flamboyant gay guy. Come to find out that she has this rare hair thing where she can grow facial hair on her face. Ontop of that shes butchy so the whole aspect of herself works out. I swear I saw her and I was like damn hes cute until I found out that he is a she. I felt odd afterward but got over it. Then I met man-girl's girlfriend (or on and off girlfriend). This girl acts all sweet and then shows her true colors. Man-girl's sister came home and man-girls girlfriend just gives man-girl's sister the evil eye. Now I am sitting here and from my first look at this girl (and listening to my vibes) this girl is a little christian girl who looks like sarah plain and tall (scratch that, short). I mean she is literally the most plain person I have EVER SEEN, facial wise. Anywho my brother really likes this girl and wants to do his thing with her (shes 20 thank god, oh and yes hes a pig). So we are there from 10pm to about 4 in the morning. I am getting tired and I have to get up early and study for my test tomorrow. So we leave and my brother tells me flat out," Your such an ass, I am not bring you here anymore." I am like what the fuck did I do? He then goes and tells me he wanted to spend time with the girl. I about punched him in the face. This son of a bitch was at that apartment for all those hours and he barely hung out with her. He was just waiting for man-girl to go to bed because thats man-girls sister. So basically he blames me for something that was more or less his fault and hes just being selfish because he can't get his way. And when my brother doesn't get his way he likes to punish people, mostly me. So no xbox, and I can't go out again with him. What a son of a bitch, right?

Now onto the accident. Dumbass got into a car accident. He actually hit some woman in a car on a road that was 25 miles per hour. Heres how he says it went. He was trying to stop at the light when his brakes didn't work. He hits the lady and there we go, an accident. Now when he first called my dad he said," He was in the car with a friend." When we get there he changes that and says there was no one in the car... I smell bullshit.

So the police officer comes out and talks to this old guy who looks like hes maybe in his late 80's mid 70's. He walks by us and we ask him if the girl (the driver of the other car) is ok. Come to find out hes the girls grandfather. So he just walks by and doesnt say shit. Jesus what the fuck is wrong with people. If someone sounds like they are asking if the girl is hurt you should atleast say something, not be a complete asshole about it. The police officer comes out of her car, shes pretty.

She gives my brother a ticket saying (careless driving and not able to give a replacement drivers license). The replacement drivers license just sounded stupid and the police officers (from my point of view) were kind of being an ass to my brother. He'll, the first officer that came there my brother said had an attitude. Dumbasses license is find so I have no clue why they put that. So we are about to leave when a red corvette flys by us and stops infront of my dads car. Now I am thinking oh shit, what the fuck is this. A guy comes out of the car, shirtless, and mildly turning me on. Its the blue eyes that just do it for me heh. Anywho he comes to the car and asks my brother if hes ok. Come to find out that this is the friend my brother said first he wasn't in the car. Then changed his shit to saying his friend was across the street.

What I think is that this guy is a drug dealer. And the reason why my brother said else was to save the guys ass. Stupid or what, this guy could have been a vital witness. Anyway I am just pissed off until the guy starts talking and I was about to say something. The guy has a very flamboyant voice and mannerisms but he hides them sort of well. The guy is obviously gay and if I offend people by what I say its just how I am expressing myself. Anywho blue-eyes leaves and I am sitting there like who the fuck was that, knowing hes probably dumbasses dealer and probably dumbasses boytoy. It just felt that way and I am usually about 99 percent true with my feelings.

So anyway we come home and drop my brother off. I am pissed off because of what my dad didn't do. See here, whenever I go out to go party with a friend or go out on a date (when I get one) my parents ask a list of questions. With my brother they dont. He says hes going out and thats that. But with me its 20 questions. And then if I dont pass a question I get threatened (like they wont open the house door or they will tell me don't come back). My dad says its because I dont own my own car or have a real job. First off I tell him that that bullshit 20 questions shit is over. I am 21, I can go out and hang with whomever I want. If they don't like it oh well. I need to find new people to meet and hang out with and I can't do that when I feel like I am a caged animal whos freedom to do things is limited. So I told my dad that, thats enough. I am not going to bring anyone home with me whatever I do is outside and its my business. If I am going to a party or a place I will call and tell them I got there alright and where I am. And that is that.

Shit ive written too much again, eh... Well I guess I will write more later because right now my hands are numb.

Later peeps, wish me luck on my GED Test tomorrow.