That Thing

If I could I would slap the shit out of any gay men who try's to play me. I am not talking about the guy I am speaking to. I am just fucking pissed about myself. I soo fucking hate it when guys tag along like im some sort of post-it that you can stick to something and then throw away when ur done with it. This leads me to this asshole closeted queen whose name is Mark Edward Campbell (yes that's his real name). If you want his address I forgot it but this bitch tried to play me! We met over a chat service on the phone. Yeah I know over the chat dating, blah blah blah but sue me. I was lonely, I had one friend, and I didn't have a job AND SCHOOL WAS BORING AS HELL! So we started talking and what do you know, we talked for like 6 hours. We never stopped talking. I think I was up with him until 5 in the morning.

Anyway afterward we talked every single day. It was nonstop talking. Until he met me in person. This was a guy I wanted to be friends with, maybe more if the cards were right. Well I met him, we did 69 (whoo hoo) and that was it. I asked him if we could ever be something more and he told me no...because we were soo differnt. I was fine with this but the were so differnt part, mutha fucka just say your not attracted to me. Hell, that sonofabitch was more attracted to younger boys who were twinks. Not like ryan because I see him more of a swimmer type, like a jock who only does swimming.

Anyway he dropped me off at a restaurant. The guy also had a problem with public affection...sigh. His damn windows in his truck were tinted, no one could see and yet he wouldn't even let me kiss him goodbye (I like kissing). But ya know what that never happened. Then he calls me up when I have been at home for about 2 hours to see if I was ok. I was like "aw" he was worried about me. But I slapped that bitch ass feeling down. Because that mutha fucka never called me.

I had to call him just to check up. Ladies...men if you ever have someone who doesn't call you LEAVE IT ALONE, that mutha fucka aint interested. But no not me, not even though I was his friend. So about oh god months later I called him and cursed him the fuck out...on a message. Basically told him to stick a sawed off up his ass and pull the trigger for trying to play me and acting like I was a friend when all he wanted was a goddamn trick. And bitch, I aint no god damn trick. I am the fucking black pearl you find at the bottom of the sea. I am rare and I am fucking beautiful. And if you can't appreciate that, even if I just want to be friends. Then fuck you and the rainbow you rode in on.

Laters people,
From a mean lil fairy called "Angel"

Chasing Pavements

Ive been thinking alot lately, not really a good thing but then again it is. I've been reading alot about your guys comments on the guy ive started talking to. Thanks for the comments guys. I spoke to my mama laurie and showed her what the guy was saying and she helped me make a decision. I am going to let this play out and just be cautious about it. It just hurts alittle when you see this guy your really interested in pictures kissing another guy "who is his roommmate". His roommmate is jealous because he has a thing for him and they dated for about a week until B, the guy Ive been talking to said it wouldn't work out but they can be friends. But I still am hopeful that hes telling the truth. I'd have no problem telling him to go fuck off but thats just me.

I know that if he is lying to me I will get hurt but atleast, I can stop it in its tracks. Cause I refuse to be the other woman, mistress, or man in the relationship. Because I think its disrespectful, shameful, and just wrong. And I don't believe in cheating. If I was with someone and they cheated on me that would be it. My philosophy on cheaters is that if they do it once they will do it again. But there are exceptions to this.

Im somewhat enjoying my spring break. To reflect, write, and just enjoy myself for a change. Sometimes its good to take a break from the world and just have some time for yourself. Still, I feel sometimes that as the world passes by me, I am still here not going anywhere as of yet. With trying to publish my short story, recording my singing, writing away on my book. I feel that time is just time, its how you spend it ya know.

Heres to chasing pavements.

I Dont Feel Sober

OK... let me explain why I am in the mood I am. I've been talking to this guy for about 2 weeks or so. Hes been...how should I say this, romantic with his words. Now I am a person whom sees this from a curious perspective because I always know its behind something. I just...don't know. I finally talked to him on the phone 2 days ago. He has a roommate who is a good friend and they use to be fuck buddies but he got tired of the roommates ways so their just friends now. The other guy, I believe, is super jealous. Like I would call the number he gave me and no one would pick up. Second time it goes after 3 rings and straight to the answering machine, not like the last 8 rings it did before. I left a message and I haven't heard back. Then tonight he comes online and hey says hey, and then says hes gotta go take a shower and says he will contact me once hes done, that was 10 o'clock, its past midnight now.

Another thing about this guy is that he says he doesn't have a cellphone. Yet, on his yahoo messenger he has his going away thing on "I'm Mobile". I confused and frustrated cause I think hes playing me or I am just being stupid. I don't know, I will just see where this leads and hope that this is not a game and I am not being played.

Sometimes, I hate being alone for too long because I think it gets to my head. And having no one I can kiss and hold. I need something that doesn't revolve around sex. I need to be with a man... Not sexually but to be. Because it hurts soo much when I am not. And it hurts when I feel so disconnected.

And right now, I don't feel as sober as yesterday.

Update 12PM: By the way this was last night, right now im feeling alittle stronger. But im still frazzled about this guy.

Rav my Romance

Hey peeps,

I'm abit excited right now because I just finished my first short story for ravenous romance. Its literally the longest short story I have ever written and it took me about 2 days to finish it. For me, it was definitely a challenge seeing how busy I am now adays. But I did it and I am excited about it. I like how the story came out and am just happy I am done with it. I'm going to be sending off my query letter to Ravenous Romance soon as the three people I have requested read it give me their feedback.

Tomorrow I am taking a GED practice test. Ive taken one similar like it but I wanted to refresh myself before taking the actual test on April 25th. I'm just super excited I wrote a story that is literally about 16 pages. In any sense, once I submit it I will wait to hear a response. If I get rejected I will still be happy and probably post the letter on my wall lol. Okay now I am tired and hungry and need to relax. Ryan!, get better dodohead, little lady I love ya, ryan field keep on shelving out that amazing work sexy, and dana always making me make go gaga over her kitty pictures.

See ya!

Welcome to the Mile High Club

Today instead of ranting about my life and its problems I will instead review a short story I just read from Ryan Field called The Mile High Club. Now I have never done a review of a short story before so here I go.

Ryan Fields "Mile High Club" is exactly what the story is about. A couple who is married goes into an airport but as soon as they go into that airport they start to play a game. A game where they are complete strangers. Once they get on the airplane things start to heat up. Even leading to an extraordinary foursome that will leave your body wanting more. So go pick up Ryan Fields Mile High Club. Its free for a limited time at ravenous romance. Who knows, you may just find yourself on all fours wanting more.

Later bloggers.

Close Encounters With The Fucked Up Kind

yeah sorry for the cursing but its pretty much how my week has been so far. Lets go ahead and spill.

This week has been a freaking roller coaster ride of emotions and busyness. Wednesday I went to school and spoke with my teacher about a couple of things and then went to work. I don't know if I told anyone this but on Monday I went for GED orientation to pay the money(which I got a scholarship for) and sit through 2 hours of stupidness. My testing date is April 25th. I know I am going to do well but at least I will stay alert and keep on studying before then. I hope to get my GED soon so I can get the hell out of this hell hole I am in and go to college and grab some COLLEGE BOY ASS! Well... not so much the grabbing but thinking about it lol.

Anyway, Saturday I went to this teen council meeting to speak with the teens about a possible program that I had thought up. Its basically going to be an official club at the library I work for. Its a club that is targeted toward the LGBT community, ages 13-18 and maybe older depending on how old they are. Basically I want teens who are lgbt or straight to have a safe heaven and speak about sexuality, get questions answered, learn about the community, and bring awareness about HIV/AIDS. I also have 2 speakers ready and waiting. One of them is my good friend Ryan (not ryan field) and a representative from Equality Florida. Doing this club will be an historic event for the library system and Jacksonville because an LGBT club has never been done before. Once I get a date I will go from there. But for right now I have to sit and wait and see who else I can bring in.

Thursday I had to bring my dad in to the hospital. He had this weird bubble on his leg that kind of looked like a big pimple and his stomach looked very bloaty. And ontop of that, his breathing was not good at all. So we brought him in and waited until he got in and then we left. Heard from him the next day and he said that he has congested heart failure again. Im not too worried about it since hes been in and out of the hospital since I was born so I am use to it. Its kind of strange thinking that if he died tomorrow ide be ok with it. hmm...

Friday I went to go see watchmen with my brother and his friends. The movie was pretty cool despite the fact that everyone else thought it was shitty expect for the sex scenes...breeders (oops poopage alert). Then all of a sudden my brother lights up a blunt and tells me if I want a hit. It was a cigar and I was use to having one once in awhile, usually I have it with cognac but this time I just wanted to enjoy it. After a couple of hits I felt funny and had abit of a headache (which has never happened to me before) and asked him what the hell it was. He told me flat out it was pot. I about slapped him upside his head and kicked his ass but the damn thing just made me feel all calm and mellow...shit. He was really lucky cuz if I wasn't having side effects I would have punched him out.

Well thats pretty much been my week. Not too eventful huh. Right now I am just going to sit back, write a couple of pages for my book, daydream about love, and trying to enjoy my sundry because tomorrow is work n school.

Later people,
Angel

Teeter Totter Teeter Totter

I GOT THE MONEY FOR MY GED TEST WHOOHOO! I am so excited you just have no idea. My teacher told me today and I about flipped out. I really love this teacher alot and call her my lil buddy, she likes it. Funny thing though is that I came out to her. She was surprised because she didn't even know (how weird). Then I find out she is a miniter so first thing in my mind pops up like," Oh shit. Now shes going to preach to me and be all judgemental and condemn me." But you know what, she didn't. Well she did preach a little bit but it was about 95 percent positive, the other 5 percent I just wont talk about unless you guys want me to. Basically she accepted me with open arms and said she loves me and so does god. I felt all warm and tingly and almost lost my fearie dust hehe. Nice to know when someone says they love you for you and not love half of you...like my mother and father.

By the way my mother is still on this big crusade to save my soul...from what I don't know. Hell, god doesnt say in the bible where I can stick my dick (oops, there a lil bit of poopage). In anycase I just still remember what she said to me when Michael (my ex fiance who was murdered) died. She told me, verbatim," I am glad hes dead. God took him away from you because it was never meant to be. You are never meant to be with a man and god will continue to take them away from you until you learn." This was my own mother, the women who spent hours pushing me out her hoohah, telling me that she was happy he was dead. I called her a cold harded bitch and told her to go to hell. I was this close to leaving them all and go live out on the street. And this was all after me getting out of Rehab because I had a meltdown. Thanks mom for making me want to disown you. Even after the fact that she will never love that side of me thats gay. Half love itsnt love at all. Its picking and choosing which parts you like and rolling your eyes at the rest. Oh and I have told my parents I am gay. I never told my brother but I am guessing he already knows since he now lives at home and hear me and my mother bicker on the topic of me being gay or how she calls it," My phase because I am not letting god into my heart." Sigh...

Sometimes I feel like leaving home and live on the streets. Im am so waiting to go to college so I dont see my family. Im hurting inside so much I try to hide it with a smile. I haven't even told anyone this but my doctor told me flat out that I should not work because I have to get better. So now I apply for social security and they deny me, even when my doctor said I shouldn't work. So now I got a lawyer whos gonna do what they can so I can make money one way or another. In anycase I just want to get a lawyer and get out of this mess. Because if god willing, I need to get the hell away from my family. Ugh...

So in about 20 mins I brought my happyness down to a low, good going Angel. And I really hate hiding how I feel on the outside. I don't know. Maybe I will run away but will that be becoming a coward and running away from my fears. I don't know but right now I just feel like getting away from this hellhole will help me. I don't know.

I hope I get through my day. I took some pictures of me n my new outfit and I will try to post them soon. Ive just been so busy last week and exhausted I just havent had the time. But in anycase to my situation I will have to try and find a way to deal with the situation.

Later Cadets