The Devil Wears Wallmart

my brother. Ok ok I know its mean and everything but let me explain. My brother and I have had a very rocky relationship. Ever since I was young and even till today. My brother is what you would call the devil, on a nice day. On other days when hes not nice and actually quite cruel. Not physically (these days) but more verbal with how he feels about me and where I stand. Maybe I should start about my life with my brother.

When I was about a year old he tried to suffocate me to death with a pillow. Thank god my dad got home in time or I would have been in the hospital. Afterward he has always terrorized me in physical ways and verbal. In truth, he has physically and mentally abused me since I was young. Either to the point where I am running down the street crying in my underwear trying to get away from him or my head going through a wall. Or him slapping me, punching me, and other things. Then the name calling and making me feel like I am dirt these are the things I have had to deal with. With him and how school was hell for me, you can see how I was just up for a breakdown which happened when I was 13 all thanks to hormones, yippee.

Anywho from the physical and mental attack from my brother ever since I was a wee lad. The beatings I got from my dad when I did something wrong (which I still think his method of punishment was wrong). I mean having to go to school and lie because my legs were bruised up is not a good sign but my father was old school, he felt the way to punish a kid was either a time out, or a beating with the belt. I think it did help in some way but I would never beat my kids (if I have them), it instills fear into them and that's not healthy for any kid. So here I am stuck with the asshole that is my brother. He doesn't understand why I resent him so much and why I don't like him or love him in any way. Truth of the matter is, if he died tomorrow I wouldn't cry a damn tear because hes used up too many of them already. My parents always told me that if they didn't see it they couldn't do anything about it. But when they did see it they just punished him and didn't really help me. Its probably the reason why I am so shy and somewhat anti-social (at times) because of my past. Then I told my parents about everything (again) and they cried saying they didn't know and that if they could take my pain away they would but I find this to be bs. Because I told them when it happened and they did nothing. Not all parents may be the best but atleast they try hard like mine did. Never the less, they already proved to me to be good parents and that's all I could ask for.

Now that he is moving back in because he couldn't keep his apartment I feel like my room will be the best place to stay. Go to college, get a degree, and leave this damn place I try to call home. I love my parents for teaching me right and I don't think I could ever hate them for what happened. But my brother is someone I will never love, never like, and always resent. Kinda funny when my mother said that we had to respect each other and had to get along if we wanted to live in her house. I told her flat out," Well, he doesn't deserve my respect or anything else so the best thing he can do is avoid me because im not taking any of his shit. I was scared when I was younger but my balls dropped long ago and now is a different story." My dad of course said I shouldn't talk to her that way but sometimes with my mother, you have to be blunt in order to get through with her. Shes abit thickheaded but I still love her.

Anywho my leg has been bothering me for the past 2 days and Ive been limping, don't know what the fuck that problem is. Can't wait to meet my new doctor on the 5th. Friend recommended him to me and said he was a no bullshit doctor. Just the type of man I need, blunt and to the point. Hurrah.

In anycase I think I came out to be an awesome person. And that's as much as I can say for myself. I may not have a paying job but I'm going somewhere. So here returns the devil (my brother)... and not in prada.

Later my little typers.

I think way too damn much

Before I start off my blog I really wanted to ask *anyone* who is reading this to please pray for Ryans Grandma who recently passed away. If you guys want to go to his blog A Guy In Love and leave your prayers there if you would like them to be read. Even light a candle and make sure you let it run until it stops. Thats what I did when I heard that his grandma passed. Please pray for ryan and his family.

Now onto my journel entry.

You know when you have those days that you just think way too damn much, well today was my day. I am again reminesing about my future and where the hell it is going. I know I shouldnt seeing as I should just go with the flow but there are soo many things I want to do and I just feel like I am wasting my time not being able to do these things. Like find people to jam with (musically) and make some damn music! Ive always been told I have a very unique voice for a guy (probably because I don't sound like a dude when I am singing) or whatever but I just have a very unique voice. Its just really hard to find people to jam with because most of the people I meet want to be the next rolling stone and they think that it will happen tomarrow and most people dont understand that everything takes time and luck. You can call it star struck I just call it ignorance. Some people just forget what its like to just make music because you love it. My voice in itself is very flexible. I can do anything from rock, pop, and soul. You can say my voice sounds alot like a mixture of Anastacia and Adele.

Writing my book has been slow. Just lately everything seems slow. I don't seem to be getting anywhere in the love department, do I smell or something? Maybe I am not attractive or I look scary... I don't know. In any case I just feel that its going to be awhile for anyone to have the balls and say hi to me. Maybe its me givign off the wrong vibe. I don't know. Maybe guys are just intimidated by my awesomeness lol.

School right now is kinda slow. I really need to take my GED but with the way things are going financially, im just gunna have to wait. Shelving out 70 bucks for something is rather isidious but you gotta do what you gotta do. And then there college. Im really looking into possibly going to the University of Tampa because thats where they have the masters program for library science. And plus its Tampa, ive never been to Tampa. They have another school in Tallahasse but I don't really like being too far away from the beach, ive always loved the water.

Sometimes when I think way too damn much, its the thinking that gets me through the rough.

Love, peace, and plenty of kisses.

The Wondering Mind Of Mr. Me

This is probably the longest f&cking post I have every done! So be diligent and read on. lol (exactly 1141 words!)

Not so very much an eventful due to the fact that I felt like shit most of the morning. When I woke up this morning my dad told me he saw the poem I had wrote. I was like, what poem? He pulled out a paper I had forgot to put in my book bag when I left school. It was of my blog entry I did for Jan 9Th, the "Not So Here" entry. I had basically printed it out and did a watermark in the background, and edited it abit just to make it look nice because I wanted to keep it. Anyway he started telling me that him and my mom were trying not to cry because the poem was so damn good. Whats funny is that I was never going for a poem on Jan 9Th but in the end, it came out poetically how I felt. Which was cool cuz I wanted to hang it save it but didn't think my parents would get to it. Anywho my dad told me flat out that he wants me to know that he loves me no if ands or buts. I almost started crying because I woke up feeling like shit and having this talk just got me abit emotional. Then my mom started going on and on about how she felt and how she will always love me even if I am gay but she still wont accept that side to me. Halfsies for her. In any case they both stated that I should not feel alone because they love me. Yay for halfsies but its good enough, atleast for me.

Anywho so I decided on watching one of the movies I picked up at the library. When you don't have any money and you want some form of entertainment, your local library is your best bet. The library I volunteer at actually rents out DVDs and has a pretty good selection, even some movies just came out on DVD. By the way since I am talking about the library I might as well spill alittle library gossip. I don't know if I said this in the last post but last week when I was at the library volunteering I heard something outright funny. This guy who works there was talking to another librarian about going to this bar/club called "Bo's Coral Reef" and said he was going there to pick up chicks. R I G H T! Everyone who knows about the different clubs in Jacksonville knows that Bo's is a gay club, hands down. Why would a straight man be going to Bo's to pick up girls when he would have a better selection at a gay bar. Now I'm not ragging on him for this I just thought it was funny he picked that place out of the many other places he could have gone but oh well. I just smiled and tried not to laugh or say anything. Then I heard the other librarian say she was going also.

Now I don't like to judge people but the first time I met this girl she was either very very shy and liked to look like a boy or she was gay. Id be happy if everyone would just confess and we could all break the ice lol. But Ive got my eye on two people at the library who may or may not be gay or bi to say the least. Kinda cool that I was able to spot them. Because conversation there is a bitch.

Oh! And also yesterday when I was checking out my DVDs there was one DVD I couldn't check out because it had holds on it. So I went in line and waited for the next teller when this other librarian women asked why I was in line when I had already checked out my DVDs. This lady, in my opinion, is either a real bitch or I don't know what. The reason why I say this is because every time she talks to me its like shes talking down on me, like shes better then me or something. I can read people very easy, its been something Ive been able to do since I was young. I don't know if she is lonely or bitter but she just screams bitch. At one time I was talking to another librarian about a career path as a librarian. Meanie was checking out my books when she stopped and turned to the librarian and gave her a mean look like "go back to work" when the librarian was only answering my damn question. I felt like snapping my finger at her saying," Hey, if you wanna give someone the stink eye give it to me because I asked a damn question." But I am not rude like that unless someone is being a complete assholes... then my big mouth opens lol.

Anyway the best thing I can do for her is just be nice and try different ways to cheer her up. Ive heard her singing and humming to herself a couple of times so maybe shes just bitter... I don't know. I feel like asking her what the hell is wrong with her but its none of my business. She even has this really nasty mark on her lower lip that looks like a bruise *its been there for about 2 or 3 months*. So maybe somethings going on at home... I don't know. I just feel I should talk to her but I don't think that will work since I am an unpaid volunteer and shes a librarian. In that place its like child speaking to an adult, atleast that's the vibe I get from her. Thank god I'm not like the other staff members who are scared of her. And thank god I'm not afraid of anything...OK that's a lie but I'm only human.


Moving on, halfway done with the movie, ideas for future books started pouring through my head like water. I ran and got a pen and paper to write them down. Got like 15 ideas which is great lol. I haven't wrote anything in awhile but sooner or later I will get back to writing my book. I did tell you I was writing a book? Yup, Ive got like 13 chapters done (I have like 64,000 words down so far). In anycase I am really enjoying the process and taking it slow since this is my first book. Anywho that's about it right now. Oh damn I forgot the movie I was watching is not really a movie its actually a TV show "Firefly". I'm a big fan of Joss Wheadons work.

Later Peeps,
Angel

I think my dick fell off.

ok not really but last night it felt like it. None of you really know this but I actually sleep in the nude. I also sleep with the fan on whether its cold or not, im usually always warm. I just find it more comfortible for me to sleep that way. Last night was one of the coldest nights I have ever had since moving to Jacksonville. I am originally from New York and I have never experienced the cold like this before. I literally had to put clothes on which was something I havent done in almost 8 years.

Anyway I woke up this morning very groggy since last night I had only about 4 hours of sleep, thanks to my brain wanting to read. Got dressed and had breakfest as usual. Although this morning I wanted a hot breakfest but when you dont have the doe to buy the necessities, you kinda have to take what you got. In anycase it was soo cold this morning I decided to wear pants underneath my pants. Thank god I did. Plus I found my dad's old leather coat in the closet and snagged it since he forgets he has it.

Got to school and come to find out that my teacher isn't teaching her normal class but a workshop... yeah. So im sitting there and she was discussing the Pagortheum Theoreum or whatever they call it. I new of the formula but alot of people were stumped on it. I had just walked into the door and sat down when she asked what the problem was. I told her outright and people gave me dirty looks. I looked at them and said," What, I suck at math be happy that I got it right in the first place." I got laughters out of alot of people. Which pretty much made my morning.

I then told my teacher I had to go to the carrer development center because I wanted to speak to an advisor about my possible career paths. She told me I could go. I think she was impressed with me just walking in and sitting down and answering the question quick. Made me feel like the smartest one in class when really I suck at math.

So I go down to the career development building and I come to find out that they are closed until noon, double shit. My class finishes at 12. So I decided I would rather skip class for today even though I was present. My teacher doesn't mind if I come in and leave if I have to. Anyway, I am too tired to start figuring out math problems.

So here I am just typing away on my blog and speaking to my good friend ryan while im hearing this guy behind me, working on another computer snoring away. I tried not to laugh until he started talking again to some program. I think it was some sort of english learning program. Anywho he goes back to speaking into the mic when he falls asleep again, and then I feel like a complete asshole. Because he does the same thing like 10 times. I think he has what they call narcolepsy... I think thats what you call it. When you fall asleep randomly. So I felt bad for the guy. Theres one way to make and break your day. Yay me.

Going to work after school. Peace People!

Martin Luther King Day

Hey everyone,

I just figured I would post today since this is one of the most important holidays, in my opinion. Now more or less you guys already know I am Puerto Rican. What you don't know is that I am like 40 percent Puerto Rican and the rest is a mixture of (pure blooded) Taieno Indian, French, Sicilian (Italian), Spanian, German, Irish, English, African, Portuguese, and Cuban. Some people would consider me a (mutt) breed but I love every bit and peace of my background and my many denominations. This is why I love Martin Luther King Day.

Because what most people these days seem to forget is that he not only fought for the African American community but for everyone of color including the Hispanics. Now it kinda pisses me off when I do see people say that MLK is just for African American rights and they almost always exclude that he also was for the Hispanic community. I don't know if this is another race issue or whatever, I just believe that when people have Hispanic month, that we remember MLK for his achievements. Just ask any if they knew that MLK was also fighting for the Latino Community and see what response you get. Ive done this in my school and about 3 out of 20 people knew that MLK fought for everyone of color. I don't know if its the miss-communication of history or people trying to bend the truth to their own cause but sometimes I just think that honesty is pure when its best left as the truth. In anycase, I just believe we should all have a more understanding that Martin Luther King was the voice of millions of people of color whether Hispanic or not.

Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Jesus Take The Wheel

In life, sometimes you just gotta let god take the wheel on your life. For some of you who arent catholic you can understand where I am coming from. Lately for me everything just seems to have its ups and downs but then again, I guess thats life. Like with the whole college thing looming above my head and all I can do is try not to think when its evil college head just pops up and im back to thinking about it again... wow that was a run on sentence. Anywho, I believe the one thing I should believe about finding is JOB SECURITY! Because I personally believe how the economy is and how things are going, having a career or job in something is a good idea. Especially since Librarians are going to be around for a long time...unless the libraries go fully computer. Well... I don't know. As of right now I am trying to figure out what the hell I want to do, just as long is it has job security. Everything else I can do as a hobby but just as long as I stick to it.

Anywho, theres a possibility that I will be heading to Daytona on Feb 15 to meet my good friend ryan whom I have yet to have met in person. I know it sounds crazy but I really look up to the boy. Hes the first person I have met my age who is mature beyond his years (kinda like me). Reading his blog (when he and mikey were first together) gave me courage to life for once in my life instead of putting my life in a box and shelving it for later. And he has showed me that even though I have curves and I don't look like those GQ, athletic guys, that I am beautiful inside and out.

Thanks and Love,
Angel

Some Paths Are Just Confusing

Ok, today was not the best day for me. Not for the fact that I couldn't make it for my volunteer duties but just for the fact that my brain is decided to think too much. What I am trying to say is what if I got my GED? Do I go to school for my masters in librarian science just to have a backup plan or do I go to school for something I love. Like writing and singing. But do I pursue a path in the creative writing field or singing field just because they are the two things I love or do I stay safe and get a degree in a field where I can work and do the last two as hobbies. I just don't know anymore.

Research more about the curriculum of librarian science Ive come to the understanding that the position is confusing to me. Im getting alot of different ideas of the position so maybe I should just ask my library friend who recently got her degree. Or maybe I should go to an advisor and see about a possible career path. Because as of right now I am not even sure if I want to be a librarian. Would you pick a career just to be safe. Or would you do something that is your passion and not really have a career if that's where your passion leads you.

Some paths are just confusing.

GED Here I come

Just a quick post. Just got done with my first class for the new semester and I am happy like a 3 year old receiving his first lollypop. I did the last assesment before I am able to go do the GED Test so I can get my GED and get to college. I needed atleast 2250 min/ 2750 max pts in order to pass the GED. Well, on the assesment I scored 2610 which is higher then I thought I would score. I AM SOO EXCITED! Ive been doing the GEd program for about 3 years now and a couple of months ago I found out about this class I never knew existed (the one im in now). Now that I know how I am going to score on the GED, I am happy to say that I may just be on my way to college alot sooner then I thought.

GED, here I come lol

Pulling Back From What I Shouldn't

Tonight was a rather unsuccessful night. With my friend and her boyfriend all over each other and another friend of ours just bored shitless I decided on checking out a gay bar I had never been to, 616. Now my main reason for going here was because I wanted to check it out. Ive always been interested in any kind of man because I don't discriminate against age or appearance. And this bar was full of gorgeous older men and other men. My friends told me that they all felt like we were the youngest here...which it looked that way. But what keeps me from persueing anything is this utterly, helluva thing I have called being shy. I don't know if I have a fear of rejection since most of my life I have felt rejected whether it was at school or at home. I don't know if I have something psychologically wrong with me or what not but its like extremely hard for me to go up to a guy and say hi. But, when a guy comes up to me and strikes up a conversation I studder and after a time if he stays theirs a conversation. Because im only shy at first and afterward, im like a motor mouth with humor bits. The bar itself was super small but a nice atmosphere I just felt really bored after awhile. What kind of shocked me was that they had porn on the TV's outside on the patio. I have never been to a club that actually shows gay porn (not softcore but hardcore). I thought it abit tacky in this kind of scene. But whatever, some things you just gotta take in stride.

To those who commented in my last post thank you for your kind words. I may not know you but your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I have my ups and downs like everyone else. I just get seriously lonely. No one even talks to me at school which is another kick in the balls but whatever. Life for me at this moment is complicated and sluggish. And being shy doesn't help either.

Pulling back from what I shouldn't is not a way to live.

Not So Here

Some days like these I feel left out more then others. This is the first day in a long time I have felt very very lonely to the point where I feel like my life is nothing but a fragment of what I use to be. With everyone around me moving so fast and myself not moving but staring wondering why... Depression to me is like an evil being that tugs at my heart. Sometimes I feel like running away and finding my life somewhere else. Because of where I live and how my life is right now I feel closed and claustrophobic. As I curl in bed wondering and pondering where I will go what I will do and if I can do it, pondering is all its is. i just feel the world is on my case to do something with my life even though my life doesnt feel like anything. alone i am with my tears, in the million year swell that i am. and to cuddle with the feline it feels so wrong because of what i cant have and what i need. With these four walls closing in and my life crawling slowly, my world just seems

not so here

Sticks n Ballz

Well tonight I really enjoyed myself. My friend Tasha, whom I haven't talked to in about 2 weeks because her boyfriend has been demanding as hell, decided it was our night out. So... she picks me up and I was rushing to get dressed *which I was impressed because I looked good*. We headed to McDonald's to get something to eat quick because I was starving and hadn't eaten anything all day. I basically spent the whole morning reading a great book and drinking water most of the day. I wasn't fasting or anything, I was just really into the book.

Anyway we made our way to one of the local bars "Dave's Place". We played about 3 rounds of pool before we sat down at one of the coin machines to play a couple of puzzle games. They were having a poker game going on but we were more interested in spending time with each other. Afterward we got back in the car and she found out her boyfriend called her like 6 times *that's not even a lot for him*. He was concerned as to where she was, who she was with that sorta thing. Now I don't have a problem with him because I find that hes a great guy besides him drinking way to much, doing cocaine once in awhile, smoking, jealous, and overprotective (god... did I get everything???). But besides all that I like him. Hes cute for a Brazilian but I think if he were gay and I was dating him... we wouldn't have lasted that long. I really don't like guys who are overtly jealous and too overprotective. I get enough of that shit from my parents.

Anywho she called him and asked what was up. The friend he was suppose to be hanging out with that night bailed on him and he was at home alone. So she asked if he wanted to be picked up. She asked me if he could come and I said I was cool with it. Afterward she opened up a pack of supersmooth cigarettes and lit one up. Now I don't know if you know this or not but I actually use to smoke myself and I haven't smoked since I was 18. When she did that I was craving for one sooo bad. So I asked her and she gave me one, I had 2 more later on that night. I know smoking is bad for you but I figure you can indulge once in a blue moon. Just as long as you don't do it everyday but other people may think differently. So we pick him up and hes playing on his cellphone and I make a comment about something beeping and asked him if that was his penis making sounds. He laughed and said no because of how he was playing on his phone *it was on his crotch*. Anywho we decided we would visit the adult toy store.

Now let me tell you guys something, I really enjoy going to adult toy stores because im a very very sexual person and the topic of sex to me, is a very interesting subject. People think that talking about sex is rude and should be private but I am not at all private about my sex life, just private about it with my parents...somewhat. Anyway lol, we walked in and there were some hot n sexy guys who were working there and I just smiled because I was soo damn shy. We start looking around in the store and I walk to the gay section and there's a guy there with two movies. I smile at him, he smiles back. I so wanted to say "whatcha looking for" but that would have been too slutty and too forward and at that moment, I was shy as shit. He was about 6 feet, slim, maybe 35, white, BLUE EYES, and sexy. I was trying not to jump him and dry hump him like the person in my head was telling me to do but I just decided to leave it. Meeting a guy in a toy store for me seemed abit tacky, but its open for exploring.

We were there for about 10 mins until we left and went to UBC (University Billiards Club). We were there for a couple of hours, I had 2 drinks (Smirnoff n 7/7 are my fav), a couple of games,look at sexy guys, and enjoy those last 2 cigs. After the last cig I got little light headed but that passed quickly. I come home and that was my night.

Satisfied, yes indeedy.

Big Is The New Beautiful

Sometimes I feel life is always throwing obstacles one way or another. One obstacle is one that (not I) but others have had since I was in the 1st grade. Now let me explain something about myself. Ever since I was younger I was really skinny. I mean boney skinny, my parents were afraid I was going to have health problems. But then I started gaining weight and then it never stopped. I was always teased by kids all my life about my weight but after awhile I just didn't give a shit.

It has taken me years to understand that I am big, beautiful, and curvy and I love myself. If I want to loose weight its because I want to, not because of people telling me otherwise. There may be many guys out there who see me and think im disgusting but baby, you just don't know how beautiful I am in and out. If my singing voice doesn't catch you or that my passion doesn't snag at your heart then your a superficial freak and all I can say is, your just like everyone else and you will never know true love until that veil is lifted.

Curvy and Sexy since 1987.

Angel

P.S.

Thank you Ryan for being a very beautiful person. God has made an outstanding person out of you.